What i'm thinking....

As i sit here wondering what to spew onto this page about myself, the fog lifts on a small dark corner of my brain. The dank, musty corner that realizes what i am and how all of this is playing out. A few years ago, let's just say about 15 sets of 365 days in the past, i realized what my job was and it frightened me. While processing a batch of 10 rolls of 36 exposure t-max 400 pushed to 3200 in hc-110, my mind reeled. Maybe it was the chemistry wafting up into my nasal cavities and seeping through my blood brain barrier, but i had the intense realization that what i did was make little pieces of plastic. Everything about photography in my early phase was plastic and chemicals. So here i am, working at a newspaper, huffing vast quantities of cyanide gas (stop bath and potassium ferricyanide don't play well together) realizing my job is to stick time onto these plastic slices in some sort of orderly fashion. The horror of working in a factory, methodically stamping out formula based images made me cringe, but i got over it and shot more plastic till plastic turned to nothing.

Now, in this digital age, i sit with a bunch of nothing on dvd's, staring at another piece of plastic and pushing pixels around with non-existent "tools" till the vessels in my eyes start to seep. And through those burning eyes, those portals into the bad-sectored, read-write media that is my brain, i see it. I see what i've been seeing all along. IT, US, WE. We are all just trying to exist on this, thinly dusted-with-life globe that spins in this vast 2nd grade classroom we call the universe. We wake up, dust off the night and step boldy out onto this pin-prick of a planet as it whirls like a top through so much nothing. Dancing like ballerinas unaware of the stage, it just seems so ridiculous, I just have to make pixels of it, and share it. And hopefully make a living of it. So i too can spin like a top till my spin is gone and someone else gets to bleed from the eyes as they sift through the plastic and pixels of my life or just toss it in the recycling bin and let someone else take the spin.

I can't see myself doing anything else, i've tried and i've come full circle back into the loving arms of photography.